Trials and Triumphs: Refining faith

Many of you may know, but some may not: On November 11, 2011 my ex-husband kidnapped my two small children as he exited his life in the United States. He returned to Tunisia broken from failed attempts to make a life in the U.S., and in a last effort to stick it to me, took my babies with him.  Due to laws and protocols I dislike to understand, the journey to bring them home is longer than any mother would like.  But this isn’t a blog about international relations. For more information, see www.facebook.com/returnushome. 

This is a blog about faith.

Webster’s defines faith as: belief that is not based on proof. 

I heard once that there is a refining purpose of trials.  That refining purpose is to test one’s ability to overcome; to stretch oneself to increase reliance on what is unseen.  Faith.  This is not to say that there are not times where we weep in sorrow for what is, or question our sanity for believing in what has yet to occur.  It is to say, though, that in the end, faith is believing God has determined our victories at the start of every adversity and choosing to believe that, no matter what happens from day to day.  It is up to us to believe in the outcome, and proceed toward that end.

God places trials on our path for various reasons.  Sometimes it’s to test us, and sometimes it’s to challenge those around us.  One must be certain that no thing that exists is by coincidence.  What God sets forth for man, he sets forth in full.  There is no accident in his plan.  But there are absolutely mistakes in our meandering through the journey.  But how can we change, grow, or affect the lives of others if we do not walk the trail, stumble, and then get back up?

Sometimes it may seem unfair the number of adversities we must go through, or the kind may seem too harsh.  But if one firmly believes that God does not burden a person with that which he is unable to handle, then one has the assurance that whatever comes to him, God has made the way.  The challenge of faith, of course, is not simply in having it, but in exercising it.  And one thing that must also be present is patience.  An insightful man explained to me that we can be assured of a victory in faith, but we must also respect that victories come in God’s time. …God’s time…phew…that’s a hard one…

While I wish beyond belief that I was not being tried in this way, I have to pause and thank God in so many ways.  Sounds weird? Bear with me through a quick story, and maybe it’ll make more sense:

Last month I had to run from court to court to get certain things in place.  While at the restroom sink one afternoon, I heard a woman screaming in the corridor.  Clearly the woman was mad – possibly in all senses of the word.  I was happy to continue applying lipstick until I was sure she was gone. 

Moments later a young lady entered the rest room.  She stood at the sink quietly for a few seconds, caught my eye in the mirror, and then started yelling.  Oh yeah, it was her!  What to do? Do I excuse myself kindly and quickly? I didn’t know.  So, I froze…and I stared back at her in the mirror as she yelled. 

Suddenly I stopped tuning in to my own thoughts and started tuning in to her words.  She was hurting.  She was angry…at a man.  From what I could gather; she had offered a service for money, and then was put in jail, and her money was taken away.  That’s all I cared to get. 

I could not judge her, could not blame her…I could only hear the words of a woman who was hurting.  So I turned to her, looked her in her eyes, and whispered, “it’ll be okay”.  And I meant it. Why? I don’t know. Why a whisper? I don’t know.  I know it calmed her down.  I half suspect she assumed my hijab indicated I was a nun instead of a Muslim, but she clearly identified me as a woman who could pray for her.  So she asked me to pray for her.  

She gave me her name and then asked me what to do. I told her to leave.  Whatever it was, leave.  She thought about it, asked me to pray again, and then asked for a hug.  I gave her one.  A big one.  And I reassured her that she had the power to control her life.  Then I left. 

In the midst of what I was going through - anxiety, missing my babies, wondering if the courts would help - I was thankful for nothing else than that I was NOT in that woman’s shoes.  And so it hit me.  Like a bolt of lightning I got it:  God prepares for us the trials that he prepares us to overcome. 

If I were to wish for someone else’s adversity, I’d have one far worse than I can imagine undertaking.  The same would be true for anyone looking at what I’m going through.  Who could possibly want to experience this!?

And so, I thank God, for the trials he gives me, and pray for the overcoming of all of those who carry a burden I’d never wish to have. 

I thank God that my children are physically safe.  I thank God that they are not ill.  I thank God for the deep faith he allows me to have for their return.  I thank God for the lessons I’m learning.  I thank God for the example he has allowed us to be.  I thank God that in a time of need my circle of friends has not diminished, but increased in an amazing way.  I thank God that every day he blesses me in so many ways, that I can’t look at what I am going through and say, why me?  And mostly, I thank God for the faith that tells me that though I don’t know the reason, I know the answer:  It was meant to be.

In life and adversity our emotions change from day to day.  Our mental and physical health fall prey to stress and anxiety.  Our humility gets tested, and our egos suffer.  The trick, I believe, is to place our trials back in God’s hands, and lead from where he guides us.  And if we follow his direction right, we may even have the chance to positively impact the lives of those who follow.  And what greater victory can there be than that? 

At least that’s what I choose to believe.   

There are many facets of faith that I could still explore, but this is the direction in which I was led today.  What does faith mean to you?

If you wish to support the return of my children, please sign our petition at: http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/275/669/976/ 
 

No bump, no bruise, no abuse! What does Islam have to say?

In recent months the number of women I’ve encountered who are engaged in abusive relationships astounds me. More astounding is the level of abuse the women in these relationships were willing to take.  Not one of them was/is in a physically abusive situation, which is scarier indeed. 

Society in general fosters the belief that if there are no bumps or bruises, there is no abuse.  And this is a tremendous danger.  When we teach that abuse is a physical action, we also teach the abused to define their experience through this lens.  The result is that thousands of individuals who are emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually exploited never learn to define their experience. I personally experienced a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage. And it was not until I left it that I was able to recognize it as abusive at all. 

Once victimization occurs, a cycle of violence inevitably ensues.  Sadly, the abused will typically become his/her own worst enemy by blaming him/herself, seeking means to avoid angering the abuser, and then feeling guilty when the abuse occurs again.

Islamically speaking, it is my understanding that domestic abuse is prohibited.  Unfortunately, a cursory search of Google will only land a handful of scholarly articles with paid access and links to pages with no verifiable credibility.  There was one link to an undeveloped site by ISNA (Islamic Society of North America), but nothing speaking directly to the Islamic stance on domestic violence.  Given the rates of abuse amongst the Muslim community in the U.S., I think it’s evidentiary that a need that has been overlooked. 

I did discover two videos of Imam’s discussing the topic - one by Imam Khalid Latif (Real Men Don’t Hit Women), and the other by Imam Hamza Yusuf (Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence) - on Halaltube.com.  These, however, are not enough. They do not cover the breadth of domestic violence and what it entails, and they do not convey enough of what Islam teaches us about relationships with Allah, ourselves, and those around us.  Our ummah is only as strong as we make it. And when we overlook and diminish topics as broad and important as domestic violence, we weaken ourselves and generations to come.

I challenge the Muslim scholars, Imams and Shaikah to become more expansive on this topic.  1 in 3 women in the United States is or has been in an abusive relationship.  This statistic holds no racial, ethnic or religious boundary.  That is your sister, my friend, and someone’s mom.  If we do not become bold about defining domestic violence in all of its manifestations, we empower the abusers amongst us to continue.

I will continue to write about this topic throughout the month in various forms. I request you spread the message widely and particularly amongst the Muslim community.  We need conversation and real leadership and guidance on this topic.

What does love mean to 4-8 year olds?

***I don't know from where this came...but I appreciated it enough to share:

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.” Danny – age 7

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss” Emily – age 8

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8

“My mommy loves me more than anybody You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine-age 5

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 6

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (what an image)

Karen – age 7

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

***(This is not the original work of Zee)

I love you!?

I have always been one of those people that easily loves others.  In the past, I’ve found I’ve hesitated to share that sentiment (not that I never said so, but I’ve definitely taken my time to let it out). As I grow older, however, I find that, for the most part, I’ve lost that need to pause.  I am confident that when the feeling has arisen, it is heaven sent.  So, I’ve lost the sense of awkwardness that previously followed telling someone “I love you” for the first time (male or female).  I don’t think, though, that others are on the same page! And, honestly, I wonder why?

We all travail this life seeking something or another from it.  The one universal trek we all undertake is that which leads to love. From the moment we enter this world, love is the single determining ingredient which secures us.  Science and experience tells us that babies who do not receive physical touch and sentiments of love - despite  being fed, bathed and changed - will die.  Even as children, we are driven by the single goal of obtaining and experiencing love.  We seek attention that will lead to the affection that we translate as love.  It is our security, our sustenance.

What perplexes me is that as we grow older, instead of allowing ourselves to receive this sustaining element, we find ways to remove ourselves from it.  We seek relationships (friendly or romantic) and allow people into and out of our lives, but rarely as adults do we share a sentiment of love.  It’s almost as if we are ashamed to share this gift of God.  Sometimes, I venture to say, we even become perplexed as to why we feel it.  And, heaven forbid, someone shares it with us!

Imagine two guys catching up over lunch.  Before they depart, one says to the other “I love you!” and follows it up with a hug. How is that perceived? If your answer is anything but well, then I’d say you’re in the majority.  Depending on your culture, the hug and even a kiss on the cheek may be the norm…but, "I love you"!?

I’ll admit that sharing the words “I love you” can seem intimidating when said to the opposite gender.  But when our hearts and intentions are set aright, then there should be no hesitation.  There are numerous hadith that speak to the honor placed on sharing our love with one another.  In Bukhari 8:73:67 it is stated that the Prophet (PBUH) said: "None will have the sweetness (delight) of Faith (a) till he loves a person and loves him only for Allah's sake….” 

Very recently (and uncharacteristically) I have found myself questioning a love I’ve developed for someone whom I’ve never personally met. While it’s not necessarily romantic, it is very strong. I have found myself pondering why I would feel like I love this person? I’ve even asked Allah (SWT) for his clarity on this.  What I've walked away with is this: It is a blessing that we both need.

Allah (SWT) has put a light inside each and every one of us.  He created us to be emotional and loving beings.  We are not asked to choose who we love, but to love one another for the sake of our Creator.  The level to which we love someone is not always in our control (i.e. romantic, platonic, familial, etc.).  What is in our control is how we share it.  So consider this: Maybe the strength of the love we feel for someone is Allah’s way of telling us how much that person needs his light shone on them. 

I challenge you (and myself): If you love someone, tell them. Do it for the sake of Allah.  And if you feel you have to question the meaning or the reason or the how, then keep a blind faith that this tremendous gift Allah placed in your heart has a purpose.  Love is a seed, and until you sow it, you will never know what blessing is waiting to be reaped. 

Share your light, and remember: I love you for the sake of Allah!

Also see: http://bit.ly/lm8OV1 for a beautiful speech delivered by Altaf Husain on this same topic!

Submission - It's not a dirty word! (for the ladies)

I was speaking with a dear friend and sister who will soon deliver a halaqa on the topic of submission in marriage.  Mashallah we had a beautiful conversation and she inspired my thoughts.  So, instead of keeping them in my head where they inevitably get lost, jumbled and forgotten, I decided to share some of them here.  This may get lengthy, but I’ll try to be succinct!

There is a beautiful ayah (verse) in the Koran that describes the husband-wife relationship.  One English translation of this is: …they are your garments and you are their garments…. (2:187).  This is an oft cited ayah, and with good reason.  If husband and wife are like garments for each other, then each one is meant as a form of protection, comfort, expression and adornment for the other.  Subhanallah, how beautiful is this!?

As Muslims, our lives are based on this concept of submission.  We are all called to be subservient to Allah (SWT), our religion as it is laid out in the Koran, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wives (may Allah be pleased with them).  If we take our duties seriously, then we enter into marriage with piety.  When our spouses are in this state of piety, we’ve no fear (either husband or wife) of being submissive to them.

Now, most people read or hear the word submission and immediately jump to negative conclusions.  Even Webster’s has a number of definitions on “submit” that teeter on negative connotations.  The one I like, though, and will utilize here, is: to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.

So many women hate to hear this, but there are certain things that one cannot argue against.  Simply put, one ship cannot sail properly and arrive safely at its destination with two captains.  There may be a captain and co-captain.  However, when there’s danger on the seas, only one makes all final determinations: the captain.  In the home, the husband is this captain.  And if he’s not, then you are surely in for a bumpy ride!

Think of it this way, if your husband is a pious man then he is in submission to the greatest elements and guidance available to us as humans.  If he maintains his role as a spouse according to Islam, and provides for and protects his family, then what concern should a wife have in handing him the final word?  There is great freedom in allowing a man to serve his family as he is intended. 

Take it back to the Koranic verse mentioned above.  Consider the way you treat your nicest garments. You take the best care of the most expensive and beautiful clothing you have.  You probably take it to the dry cleaner instead of washing it at home for fear that you may ruin it on your own.  If it tears, you have it repaired.  You preserve it by the best means possible because you have invested in it.

Now, you treat your clothing in this manner, but how do you treat your spouse? Do you build him or up or do you speak only about his faults and short comings?  Are you quick to praise or quick to condemn?  When there is confusion or disagreement, do you stand your ground in ego, or do you seek to create peace and compromise?  Spouses are the greatest gift and are a mercy from Allah (SWT).  How are you treating this gift?

Women and men are made differently.  We have different abilities mentally, physically and emotionally.  This is all a wonder and gift from Allah (SWT).  We are made to complete each other.  Men innately have a need to be respected, just as we (as women) have a need for affection.  Our needs are different, yet essential for each of us.  Marriage is no place for the ego.  There are many blessings in building up, affirming, and respecting your husband.  Whether he tells you or not, his greatest desire is to earn your respect.  If you are not confirming for your husband that you respect him enough to fulfill his role as provider and protector (and yes, this means decision maker) of your family, then you are contributing to the demise of your relationship.  

Women have been granted great privileges in Islam.  This is because we hold so much power in the homes that create and influence the progression of this faith.  Harness your power, ladies, and love your man.  He is your mercy from Allah (SWT).  Build him up, trust in him, and watch your marriage grow beyond your imagination. Because a man who feels he's earned the respect of his wife will run backwards and forwards to ensure her happiness!

(As an aside, if you are in a situation where your spouse is abusive, this content is still valid, however, Allah did not create us to be enslaved to other than he.  Therefore, fulfill your role as a wife to the best of your ability, and protect your family if and when it is necessary.  But never allow an opportunity to arise where you may find that you did not put forth all of your best to establish a halal marriage.)