No bump, no bruise, no abuse! What does Islam have to say?

In recent months the number of women I’ve encountered who are engaged in abusive relationships astounds me. More astounding is the level of abuse the women in these relationships were willing to take.  Not one of them was/is in a physically abusive situation, which is scarier indeed. 

Society in general fosters the belief that if there are no bumps or bruises, there is no abuse.  And this is a tremendous danger.  When we teach that abuse is a physical action, we also teach the abused to define their experience through this lens.  The result is that thousands of individuals who are emotionally, mentally, financially and spiritually exploited never learn to define their experience. I personally experienced a mentally and emotionally abusive marriage. And it was not until I left it that I was able to recognize it as abusive at all. 

Once victimization occurs, a cycle of violence inevitably ensues.  Sadly, the abused will typically become his/her own worst enemy by blaming him/herself, seeking means to avoid angering the abuser, and then feeling guilty when the abuse occurs again.

Islamically speaking, it is my understanding that domestic abuse is prohibited.  Unfortunately, a cursory search of Google will only land a handful of scholarly articles with paid access and links to pages with no verifiable credibility.  There was one link to an undeveloped site by ISNA (Islamic Society of North America), but nothing speaking directly to the Islamic stance on domestic violence.  Given the rates of abuse amongst the Muslim community in the U.S., I think it’s evidentiary that a need that has been overlooked. 

I did discover two videos of Imam’s discussing the topic - one by Imam Khalid Latif (Real Men Don’t Hit Women), and the other by Imam Hamza Yusuf (Removing the Silence on Domestic Violence) - on Halaltube.com.  These, however, are not enough. They do not cover the breadth of domestic violence and what it entails, and they do not convey enough of what Islam teaches us about relationships with Allah, ourselves, and those around us.  Our ummah is only as strong as we make it. And when we overlook and diminish topics as broad and important as domestic violence, we weaken ourselves and generations to come.

I challenge the Muslim scholars, Imams and Shaikah to become more expansive on this topic.  1 in 3 women in the United States is or has been in an abusive relationship.  This statistic holds no racial, ethnic or religious boundary.  That is your sister, my friend, and someone’s mom.  If we do not become bold about defining domestic violence in all of its manifestations, we empower the abusers amongst us to continue.

I will continue to write about this topic throughout the month in various forms. I request you spread the message widely and particularly amongst the Muslim community.  We need conversation and real leadership and guidance on this topic.

Submission - It's not a dirty word! (for the ladies)

I was speaking with a dear friend and sister who will soon deliver a halaqa on the topic of submission in marriage.  Mashallah we had a beautiful conversation and she inspired my thoughts.  So, instead of keeping them in my head where they inevitably get lost, jumbled and forgotten, I decided to share some of them here.  This may get lengthy, but I’ll try to be succinct!

There is a beautiful ayah (verse) in the Koran that describes the husband-wife relationship.  One English translation of this is: …they are your garments and you are their garments…. (2:187).  This is an oft cited ayah, and with good reason.  If husband and wife are like garments for each other, then each one is meant as a form of protection, comfort, expression and adornment for the other.  Subhanallah, how beautiful is this!?

As Muslims, our lives are based on this concept of submission.  We are all called to be subservient to Allah (SWT), our religion as it is laid out in the Koran, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his wives (may Allah be pleased with them).  If we take our duties seriously, then we enter into marriage with piety.  When our spouses are in this state of piety, we’ve no fear (either husband or wife) of being submissive to them.

Now, most people read or hear the word submission and immediately jump to negative conclusions.  Even Webster’s has a number of definitions on “submit” that teeter on negative connotations.  The one I like, though, and will utilize here, is: to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.

So many women hate to hear this, but there are certain things that one cannot argue against.  Simply put, one ship cannot sail properly and arrive safely at its destination with two captains.  There may be a captain and co-captain.  However, when there’s danger on the seas, only one makes all final determinations: the captain.  In the home, the husband is this captain.  And if he’s not, then you are surely in for a bumpy ride!

Think of it this way, if your husband is a pious man then he is in submission to the greatest elements and guidance available to us as humans.  If he maintains his role as a spouse according to Islam, and provides for and protects his family, then what concern should a wife have in handing him the final word?  There is great freedom in allowing a man to serve his family as he is intended. 

Take it back to the Koranic verse mentioned above.  Consider the way you treat your nicest garments. You take the best care of the most expensive and beautiful clothing you have.  You probably take it to the dry cleaner instead of washing it at home for fear that you may ruin it on your own.  If it tears, you have it repaired.  You preserve it by the best means possible because you have invested in it.

Now, you treat your clothing in this manner, but how do you treat your spouse? Do you build him or up or do you speak only about his faults and short comings?  Are you quick to praise or quick to condemn?  When there is confusion or disagreement, do you stand your ground in ego, or do you seek to create peace and compromise?  Spouses are the greatest gift and are a mercy from Allah (SWT).  How are you treating this gift?

Women and men are made differently.  We have different abilities mentally, physically and emotionally.  This is all a wonder and gift from Allah (SWT).  We are made to complete each other.  Men innately have a need to be respected, just as we (as women) have a need for affection.  Our needs are different, yet essential for each of us.  Marriage is no place for the ego.  There are many blessings in building up, affirming, and respecting your husband.  Whether he tells you or not, his greatest desire is to earn your respect.  If you are not confirming for your husband that you respect him enough to fulfill his role as provider and protector (and yes, this means decision maker) of your family, then you are contributing to the demise of your relationship.  

Women have been granted great privileges in Islam.  This is because we hold so much power in the homes that create and influence the progression of this faith.  Harness your power, ladies, and love your man.  He is your mercy from Allah (SWT).  Build him up, trust in him, and watch your marriage grow beyond your imagination. Because a man who feels he's earned the respect of his wife will run backwards and forwards to ensure her happiness!

(As an aside, if you are in a situation where your spouse is abusive, this content is still valid, however, Allah did not create us to be enslaved to other than he.  Therefore, fulfill your role as a wife to the best of your ability, and protect your family if and when it is necessary.  But never allow an opportunity to arise where you may find that you did not put forth all of your best to establish a halal marriage.)